i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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