i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Green mimosas i think yes
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
