it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
last night I used snow as a chaser
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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