no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
