either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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