I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
