Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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