Where is the hickey?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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