even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
