Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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