Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
