If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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