i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
