If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
So much rum. So many feels.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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