The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize