my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
