I will die if light touches me.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
