Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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