i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
