foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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