I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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