guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
