so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
