He told me they were just razor bumps!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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