his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
