Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
