saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I need a beard to bite.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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