True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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