i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
