I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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