I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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