my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
