By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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