I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
