i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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