umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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