you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
