A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
