mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
