Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
