You can't motorboat a personality
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
