can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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