Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
