I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
