That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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