I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize