if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
