My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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