$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize