Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
