I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
