onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
