1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You did what with his pubic hair?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
