R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I think people are normalizing furries
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize