i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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