Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Randomize
