Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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