I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize