this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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