Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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