Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize