guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
