I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
