i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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